Returning to the White House
On December 1, 1963, a little over a month after the shocking assassination of her husband, President John F. Kennedy, Jacqueline Kennedy returned to the White House. This was no ordinary visit; she was there to sift through the belongings and personal items that once belonged to the man she loved. It was an emotional and daunting task, one that brought back a flood of memories. The White House staff, visibly moved by her strength, tried their best to support her. Yet, despite their tears and empathy, Jackie remained composed. "We'll cry later when we're alone," she confided in her assistant, a testament to her inner resolve during such a devastating time.
But the reality of her situation was far more complex. In the months that followed, Jackie Kennedy, the former First Lady, would find herself grappling with deep emotional scars. She was haunted by vivid nightmares and battled with heavy drinking and even suicidal thoughts. The loss of her husband had left an indelible mark on her soul, one that would take years to heal.
A New Chapter in Georgetown
By the spring of 1964, Jackie, then just 34 years old, had moved with her two children—John F. Kennedy Jr. and Caroline Kennedy—into a stately home in Washington, D.C.'s Georgetown neighborhood. Surrounded by the opulence and elegance that defined her life, she hoped for some semblance of peace. However, the transition wasn’t as easy as she imagined. The shadows of grief followed her, and the weight of her loss continued to weigh heavily on her heart.
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Jackie often found herself questioning the events that led to that fateful day in Dallas. "Can anyone understand what it's like to have lived in the White House and then, suddenly, to be living alone as the president’s widow?" she once expressed. The memories haunted her, replaying in her mind over and over again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she might have done something differently to prevent the tragedy. Sleep was elusive, and her nights were filled with restless thoughts and vivid nightmares.
Dark Nights and Inner Struggles
Many nights, Jackie retreated to the solitude of her bedroom, where her emotions overwhelmed her. She cried herself to sleep, seeking solace in the only way she knew how—through vodka. During these moments, she questioned the fairness of life itself. "I think God's unjust now," she once confessed to Father McSorley, a priest introduced to her by her brother-in-law Robert Kennedy. She even questioned whether taking her own life would reunite her with her beloved husband. "Do you think God would separate me from my husband if I killed myself?" she inquired, her voice trembling with vulnerability.
Her thoughts of death lingered, a constant companion in her grief. As author Paul Brandus explains, "The term PTSD didn't exist back then, but clearly, she was traumatized." The emotional toll of her loss was immense, leaving her feeling as though she were drowning in sorrow.
